John ‘Soap’ MacTavish is a Scottish gaming hero very close to my heart as a huge Call Of Duty fanboy
and as a Scot if you couldn’t tell that already.
An S.A.S super-soldier renowned for his ability to save the day and survive dangerous situations;
Like sailing off the edge of a waterfall in a speedboat
Just another day at the office for our Soap.
He’s also just a total heart throb,
I mean look at him, such a bad-boy with that hair cut
and you can’t forget his amazing Scottish accent.
Wait, thats not right…
According to Wikipedia, Soap supports the Glasgow Football Club.
Way to keep on the fence Infinity Ward, or was it Activision who got them told there was some serious
money to be made from the Scottish CoD fans so we cannae fuck this up.
I think it would’ve better if they just made Soap a fan of Hamilton
Just occasionally blasting out a building, shouting [some Hamilton song, but with added Scot]
But I digress
I think you’ll find “Soap” is the name of an absolute fucking warrior
After Soap pishes all over the CQV, how many squad [Scottish accent intensifies] – many fun days out saving the world.
We do quickly learn just how much of a tank and a nutcase Soap is
In one mission you’re in an AC130 meant to be protecting Soap but he doesn’t give a *fuck*
He’s got the fuckin’ strobe lights on and is having a wee rave down there
[French rave song]
We’re told not to fire on the strobe lights but let’s be honest, Soap could survive a direct hit.
He’d fucking catch the shell and throw it straight back towards the plane if he wanted
After some more minor plot points like nuclear bombs going off, etc., etc.
At the end of COD 4, Captain Price slides Soap a pistol to take out this one-armed bandit and his wee mates
You can tell it was an important moment in Soap’s life as he can only use his slow-motion powers sparingly
Kindae like how the Emperor in Star Wars becomes all grey and frail because he’s too into the dark side, if you get me
By the time Modern Warfare 2 rolls out Soap is now such a bad-ass character that we can’t even play as him to begin with because
Putting that much power in the player’s hand would just render the game unplayable
Like Soap would just shoot one bullet and then the credits roll because that’s it, you’ve won the war
Anyway, Soap is still pretty much off his fuckin’ nut as you can see
He begins to climb this wall of ice with certain death below him
And as he’s climbing he says:
The guy decides the ice is good *while* he’s climbin’ it
It would also appear that Soap is getting a bit bold in his old age of not-dying as he jumps this chasm (Limey intensifies) hoping that his ice picks will stick
There is a nice bit of ice here Soap could’ve climbed over but – no, that’s too safe for our Soap
And of course he has to save the day as well when the dick you’re playing as nearly falls to his death at his first attempt at ice parkour
Not the only time Soap saves the day though – well, in fact, on most days he’s saving the day – but he turns on the style too sometimes
Like when one baddie is nearly getting away and Soap comes crashin’ through a window and fuckin’ spears the guy off of a building onto the roof of a car
And doesn’t even feel it
Also by the way, did I mention that Soap is just a sound bloke in generalMind that gun Price gave you to kill that baldy one-armed guy?
Well as soon as Soap finds Price in the future he gives him his gun back
Just shows you the character of the man
He’s the type of guy you could loan a game to for a week, he’d complete it and then he’d give it back to ya’ straight away with the disc still in perfect condition
Nae fingerprints or anythin’ on it
The type of guy who borrows a tenner and gives you it back with interest
Skipping some details anyway – that wanker Shepard that was always telling you what to do in Modern Warfare 2
Exposes himself as a wanker
As he betrays Soap when he shoots and sets his two pals on fire [RIP Roach + Ghost], which was a bit of a dick move on his part – there’s no need for that
He also puts Soap on the Most Wanted list – probably for being the sexiest man alive
A wee bit later though Soap catches up with the wanker and is just about to stick a knife in his neck before he stops to think,
“I recognize this place – this is where all those 1v1 quickscope battles happen i’nt it?”
Unfortunately, the wanker doesn’t really like trivia and uses Soap’s inquisitive mind against him to implant a knife firmly into his chest and splash some jelly over his face
Which again, nae need for that you wank
Just as you think Soap’s about to bite the dust his market (?) Captain Price bursts onto the scene for a bit of a square go with the wanker
In fact, this might actually be the first proper 1vs1 Rust had ever seen
The Price wasn’t right though and before you know it he’s gettin’ his fuckin’ arse kicked
Well, his face actually, punched
And it’s time for Soap to become one with the Force and use his slow-motion powers agaen
This time grabbing a knife out of his own chest and fuckin’ launchin’ it straight between that fuckin’ wanker’s eyes
And then the credits roll
Unfortunately though, goin’ into Modern Warfare 3 it’s clear that Soap – our hero- is, dying
Impossible as it may seem, Soap isn’t actually indestructible
The Master Chief couldn’t fuckin’ handle half the shit Soap’s had thrown at him
But the final nail in the coffin for Soap is being blown up and out of a 5-story building, debris landing on him and opening up his old knife wound
Actually that’s multiple wounds
And in his dying breath he had one last thing to say to Captain Price:
[Angry Scottish accent]
In conclusion, John “Soap” MacTavish is a fucking legend