True Confessions with John Mulaney and Pete Davidson


-Wow.
-All right.
-Wow.
-All right.
-So, here’s how it works.
In front of each of us
are two envelopes
containing confessions.
One confession is true,
the other is a lie.
Once you read your confession,
the other two players have
60 seconds to interrogate you.
And they have to guess if you’ve
been lying or telling the truth.
John, you’ll go first.
Pete, which envelope
should John open?
-Wait. Mine or his?
-His.
-Oh.
Number two.
I don’t know.
-Yeah, I know.
It doesn’t really matter,
this part of it, yeah.
Well, this could be the lie
or the truth, we don’t know.
-Cool.
-All right.
-He’s selling already.
Look at him.
-Are we doing it correctly?
-Yes.
-Is this mine or his?
-No, this is his.
-So what am I —
Who am I talking about, you?
-You’re talking about you.
-Oh. All right.
-Do you get it?
-Yeah, I should read the e-mail.
[ Laughter ]
-All right, gentlemen.
[ Clears throat ]
My neighbor was arrested
by the FBI for being a cannibal.
-What?
[ Laughter ]
Uh, okay, what year was this?
-2013.
-So, cannibalism,
totally illegal at this point.
-So, wait —
[ Laughter ]
Is this L.A.?
-New York.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, oh, wow, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That could actually happen.
Yeah, okay.
-The FBI got involved,
but how did you know?
They knocked on —
They asked questions of you?
-When the FBI
was swarming our lobby
and arrested this guy
in a 6:00 a.m. raid.
-Now, did you have any clue that
he was suspicious of anything?
-No, he never said to me
in the elevator, “Guess what.”
[ Laughter ]
“I might be a cannibal.”
-It’s freaking me out,
because his voice is, like,
what interrogation is.
[ Laughter ]
You’re like, “I was there.”
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-“I was there.
It was 6:00 a.m.”
[ Laughter ]
-A pre-dawn raid.
-Yeah.
-Did the guy ever act odd
at all?
-He was quiet.
-Yeah.
-But he was so hungry.
-What was his name?
[ Laughter ]
-I don’t know his name.
-Oh, oh.
Interesting.
Didn’t have a — didn’t have
a Nickname for him?
-No, it was a big building
in New York,
so I didn’t
have names for everyone.
[ Buzzer ]
-I say no,
’cause if it was L.A.,
I would buy it,
but I don’t think
people are eating people here.
[ Laughter ]
-I think it’s the opposite.
-You think it’s the opposite?
-I think New York has got some
crazy, seedy stuff happening.
-No, L.A. — they’ll cut
your head off here,
but out there,
they’ll cut it off and eat it.
[ Laughter ]
That’s Hollywood.
-I know.
What are you gonna say?
-I’m gonna say no.
I think it’s false.
-I’m gonna say —
I’m gonna say, no, it’s false.
-It’s true.
-No!
-What?!
What are you talking about?
-What?
-What?
-All right. All right.
-How did I not hear about this?
-Do you remember
the cannibal cop?
-What?
-Who remembers the cannibal cop?
-Yes, yes.
-You remember that story?
All right.
There was a cop, and he was —
He was online.
He was on message boards.
He’s going,
“I’m gonna eat people.
I’m gonna kill and eat people.”
And then other people would go,
“I’m gonna kill people with you
and eat them, too,” you know?
-What messages boards
are you on?
[ Laughter ]
-I’m not on these, all right?
My neighbors and friends are.
-Oh, okay.
-So, our neighbor
was on a message board with him
and was planning to kidnap
and eat someone
with the cannibal cop.
They did a sting operation
where an FBI agent
pretended to be
another interested cannibal
who was also hungry for people.
[ Laughter ]
And then he was like,
“Let’s meet at 6:00 a.m.,
and we’ll go get someone
and eat ’em.”
My neighbor goes, “Yes,”
and the FBI shows up
at 6:00 a.m.
and arrests my neighbor,
and we have not spoken since.
-Wow!
[ Laughter ]
Unbelievable.
Well done. Wow.
I thought
that one was out there.
-I mean, yeah.
-I thought that one
was out there.
-Yeah.
-I did not see that —
-You’ve probably
told me this before.
-I haven’t.
I’ve lived a full life.
There’s many stories.
[ Laughter ]
-All right.
It’s my turn.
Which envelope should I open?
Does it matter?
One or two?
-One.
-You sure?
Two is pretty good.
-No, I like one.
[ Laughter ]
-Here we go.
I once went
for a beer with a musician
and woke up in a hotel room
in Nashville.
♪♪
-Where did the evening start?
-New York.
-Yes.
It’s true.
[ Laughter ]
-You have to ask questions!
-Nope.
-You have to ask questions.
-It’s true.
I know you.
It’s true.
[ Laughter ]
-You have to ask questions,
though.
-It’s fill time.
I think it’s true, too.
-It’s 100% true.
-You both know what happened.
-Uh, what instrument
did the musician play?
[ Laughter ]
-Mandolin.
No, I’m just kidding.
No, a guitar.
-Okay.
-Do you recall any of the trip
from New York to Nashville?
-I remember, yes,
getting to Nashville.
[ Laughter ]
-You recall —
You came alert in Nashville?
-Yeah, I was in Nashville.
I totally remembered
that part of it, yeah,
and then I just didn’t know that
I was gonna stay over there.
-Was this the first time
you met this musician?
-No.
-Okay.
-Is it a one-guy band?
-No, interesting.
That’s a good question.
-Yeah.
-No, like a one-man-band thing?
-Yeah.
-No.
It was a duo.
-It’s a duo?
-A duo?
-A duo.
-Interesting.
-Yeah.
-A mandolin and something else.
With what?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Yeah. You both were
just asking me fake —
You think it really happened.
-Of course.
-Of course.
-It’s so true.
[ Laughter ]
Come on.
-Yeah, it is true.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But you didn’t even question it.
Why didn’t you question it?
-Because, it’s just like —
-It just ended up happening.
-Yeah.
-We’ve all been there.
-All right, all right.
[ Laughter ]
All right, yeah.
-Wait, so —
-So, who was it?
-It was John Rich, and he —
-Who?
-Of Big & Rich.
-Who?
-Big & Rich.
-It’s country music.
-Oh.
-They were on the —
[ Laughter ]
They were on “The Bachelor”
one time.
-So my reaction was correct.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-We’re not guessing
because you’re correct.
Yeah, yeah.
-All right, cool.
-Pete, it’s your turn.
I’m going to choose envelope
number one, of course.
-All right.
-Yeah, that’s the one.
I can’t believe,
not one question.
You were like,
“Yeah, it’s done.”
-I vamped.
-Yeah, you did.
-Lorne Michaels and I
went to Jamaica together
on vacation for New Year’s.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-I really want that to be a lie.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait. Lorne Michaels, who is —
-Our boss.
-Our boss.
He started all of our careers.
-Yeah.
-Went to Jamaica with you?
-No, I went with him —
for New Year’s.
-You went with him?
-Pete couldn’t foot the bill.
-When I was 20.
-I don’t know if I would ever,
ever go to Jamaica with you.
[ Laughter ]
I might as well go to Nashville
and wake up in Nashville.
-Yeah.
-There’s really
nothing in Jamaica
that you haven’t duplicated
here in the United States.
[ Laughter ]
-That is totally true.
-Wait. You were 20?
-Yeah.
-Oh, 20 years old.
-What year did —
How old were you when you began
being on “Saturday Night Live”?
-20.
-20? The first year?
-The first season?
-Yeah.
-The first season
you’re never really
that close with Lorne, though.
-Right.
-New Year’s, too?
-Yeah.
-Over the break.
-Spending a holiday with Lorne?
-Eight episodes in.
20 years old.
-Eight episodes in…
-Yes.
-…a man, your senior…
-Yeah.
-…goes, “That kid, Jamaica.”
[ Buzzer ]
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Drum roll ]
-No.
-I mean, ’cause I could see
maybe now you and Lorne
maybe might vacation somewhere,
meet up somewhere,
but at the time?
-I mean, Jamaica — the two
of them walking around Jamaica.
[ Laughter ]
I vote —
-No.
-I want it to be true,
but I’ll go no.
-I want it to be true.
I’m saying no, not true.
-It is true.
[ Laughter ]
-I’m terrible at this game!
-What?!
-Wow!
I’m terrible at this game.
What? How?
What do you mean?
-Oh, he grew me
in the office.
[ Laughter ]
No, he was — I just —
He just was like,
“I’m going to Jamaica.
Do you want to come?”
And I was like,
“[Bleep] yeah, dude.”
[ Laughter ]
-Did you guys, like, stay next
to each other in the hotel?
-Yeah, I stayed —
Well, I stayed —
I didn’t want to stay —
He offered to stay where he was,
but I didn’t want to, like,
you know, be me around him.
So I stayed at the hotel
10 minutes away.
‘Cause I would’ve been fired
if I stayed there.
[ Laughter ]
I have to give him his —
-You smoked that much weed?
-Oh, my God.
-Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
-Yeah, oh, my God.
-Yeah.
-Our thanks to John Mulaney,
Pete Davidson!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Check them out on
“Saturday Night Live”
this weekend!

100 comments

  1. Young people problems
    Pete Davidson: Lorne Michaels and I went on vacation together on new years too Jamaica

  2. Is this how they pilot new suggestions (or ripped off from British TV) for game shows? Because I mean that's kinda brilliant if they do. If not, then they should. And cut me a check for that idea. Not much I'm a humble country boy lol

  3. I remember that story some 👮 was gona eat this girl they caught him before he did though and he said it was just a fantasy he was not going to really do it

  4. What the hell is wrong with jimmy fallon? He was so funny until he took over tonight show, and now he's a drip…

  5. this is by far the funniest "True Confessions" i have ever watched ! the start where they we were confused about who should start first was hilarious HAHAH!

  6. Three of the biggest D-bags on television. The true challenge is determining who is the least funny of these unfunny turds.

  7. Mac miller was one of a kind and so naturally talented and such a kind old soul. What the hell Is this rat

  8. "I've lived a full life, I've many stories to tell.."

    More evidence that this tall kid was actually born in the 60s and has time-travelled to the present or something.

  9. Lorne Michael's is a sexual predator. Thank God Pete didn't stay with him in his suite. Pete was 20 years old and new on the job, and we know what hollywood is like. "That's hollywood". Fucked all the way up.

  10. So, say you're gonna kill yourself and get attention!!!!!!! Even mulaney said it in SNL. And Pete, who crosses lines in comedy to talk shit, got mad at a comedian TALKIN……SHIT!!!!! Why did we save him?????

  11. Loren Michaels is the guy who Chris Kattan recently claimed that he pressured him to have sex with a director. Sounds like he was planning something for Pete.

  12. Pete Davidson looks like he escaped from Neverland Ranch only to be abducted by R-kelly. I guess he thought he was a 15 year black girl. Why is he famous?? he must have blown someone in Jamaica.

  13. Something about John and Pete sitting opposite each other and alternately wearing red and blue gives me Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde vibes

  14. Pete Davidson is 25 but still dresses like he's 16… don't wear hoodies on late shows you fucking bum, grow the fuck up….. this is my god damn generation… im a "millenial" and i fucking hate it.. all my peers are FUCKING MORONS…

  15. Wow, three of today's greatest comedians sitting at a table together, Pete Davidson, John Mulaney, and the coffee cup. Amazing

Leave a Reply

(*) Required, Your email will not be published